So, here we are. We all made it, and what would New Years be without resolutions? Those with the resolutions to, "not be dead," congratulations on making that happen....you know who you are....
So what is it going to be this year? Lose weight? Quit smoking? Be an overall better person? Although I can appreciate the thought and intent behind it, lets be honest, how many of us keep them past January? Hell, how many of us make it through that first week without overindulging, being less than cordial to the office annoyance or sneaking a puff or two behind the house when no one is looking? I want to resolve to not make a resolution this year. I mean, I don't even know what makes me happy anymore and probably don't need to have a looming expectation.
This last year for me has been less than stellar and today, being the New Year and all, has got me really thinking. Quick recap for those not immediately involved; struggled with kids, crazy at work, got engaged, struggled with finances, got un-engaged, suffered from undiagnosed stomach issues, moved...twice and am now settling somewhere on the corner of I don't know what I am doing and I don't know what I want. I am going backwards. I have always been level headed and have always done things by the book and in the best interest for myself and my family. Why now, am I feeling like I am floating? I am standing back watching everyone around me getting older and settling into their lives as people tend to do, wondering when it is my turn.
This is not a self pity blog, although it appears to be taking a sharp left turn in that direction, it is more of a self reflection...in what seems like a muddy puddle. A confessional. Although I know I am the only one who can change this, I need help. Where do I start? One can only be so medicated you know. I work full time (and then some), mother full time, attend countless appointments for my kids (weekly) and am doing it alone for the most part. Now, tell me when I am supposed to work on that elusive change in my life? While I am commuting? Maybe while in the waiting room during Brennan's occupational therapy? Possibly during my lunch break while running errands that I don't want to have to worry about after work? I am too young to feel so hopeless but am too old to be so lost.
So it is with puffy eyes and a heavy heart that I bid you a Happy New Year, may it be better than the last and may we all find what makes us truly happy.
