Fire and Ice

Bucket list check off, complete a 5K without dying. I did it. Although today, the day after, it is touch and go. The pain I feel today is comparable to a pedestrian that had been hit by a flaming bus. Carrying the maximum weight allowance. Going freeway speeds. In case the picture I and trying to paint for you is to vague, it hurts.

Pain aside, this was incredibly fun with the most amazing group of people. What you are about to do is relive this moment in my life with me, but please keep in mind, the sequence of events may not be as sequential as I would like as a lot of the time I was just focused on not dying.

The Begining

The "fun" started by running through a corn field that had been cut down and flagged/taped off. There is no clear trail so you have to kind of high knee your way through it with a hope and a prayer that you don't fall or trip and impale yourself on these dried 4 inch tall jagged corn stalks of death. Sigh of relief when the death stalks are done only come to the first obstacles. A pipe tunnel with mud lining the bottom leading to an old barn. We walk through, hunched at a 90 degree angle through the tunnel in face/ass/face/ass order, round the corner through the barn to see a pyramid of what looks like cement freeway construction barriers stacked four wide and four tall. Not so bad...until you realize that you have short stubby legs and its quite the stretch to just to get past the first barrier. Success, immediately followed by tires filled with water that are haphazardly stacked on the trail.

Run, run, run, run. My next memory is coming to a long puddle we are required to run through. First step you you take you realized that it is lined with planks or plywood. With the mud at this point starting to cake on your feet, traction is no longer existent. Yes! No slipage...wait, what? Another pipe tunnel but this time there is a mud ramp up to the top and back down the other side. Again with the no traction. There was arm pulling and ass pushing to get some of us to the top. I ended up sliding down the other side on my butt, turning around and running through the underside of the pipe tunnel. It was only at this time my fellow teammates pointed out that the mud that had accumulated on my rear had actually caused my pants to form to my...well...form. Quick adjustment....and we're off again.

Somewhere in here there are walls. THE WALLS! *shakes her fist at the sky*
Set up in a set of three - one distinctly higher than the one that preceded it - they are basically walls made of two by fours for height and one extra two by four providing a tiny foothold to help get over the top. I was skeptical at the first wall before I even realized there were more. I was able to hike myself up to the top, but then froze. My wonderful teammates stepped in with hands of support to help be down. Next wall, a bit more difficult. The last - will forever  live in infamy in the back of my mind and will continue to haunt my memories. I manage to get myself up on the foothold, after doing the splits as my foot slides in the mud along the wood. I stand peering over the wall which is up to almost my shoulders even after standing on the support. Physics tells me this is just not happening. My teammate then backs up to the wall and tells me to stand on her shoulder while others stand in front of her so she does not slip in the mud. I stand on her shoulder, get to the top, balancing on my stomach on the narrow two by four....and am now stuck....one boob on each side. The same teammate, who shall remain nameless to protect her identity, that so thankfully helped me by lending a shoulder, "helps" again by pushing my leg over the other side causing me to lose my balance and fall to the other side. Again, my people are there with hands, and heads, of support as my ass (literally, my ass) lands on my teammates head. Good news - I didn't hit the ground! Other news...I now think Ray Cross and myself know each other just a little bit better.

There may or may not have been tires at this point but I definitely remember smelling manure. In the distance I see something that instills a fear in me like nothing else. As I get closer, my fears are confirmed...monkey bars. Not just monkey bars, mokey bars over water...are you kidding me? I watch my kids do the monkey bars at the playground and I can just feel my shoulders dislocating. I see some of teammates attempting to cross with no luck and just know I am screwed. I jump to grab the first bar and find myself just hanging, feeling like a fish on a hook. A rather large fish on a very small hook. I decide to just swing into it and jump into the water. As I do, I feel hands on my back, "encouraging" me to go. This is the same teammate mentioned before as remaining nameless, it may or may not be Erica. I hit the water and instantly realize how cold it is when every orifice on my body clenches and my breathing stops momentarily. Climbing out is just as bad trying to scale a wall of pure mud.

Cold, wet and muddy we are off. I decide at this time that our shirts which don the monogram of, "No Excuses," should have come with pants proclaiming, "No Secrets," as all of our clothes are having the swimsuit effect leaving little to the imagination. We find the next obstacle to be plank type barges, floating by tires on the sides and tied down with ropes. We have to jump from barge to barge then balance beam to the other side of this huge lake-ish puddle...only to encounter the next lake-ish puddle. This one is sans barges...we have to run through it. By the time I get here, two of my teammates have preceded me and begin to splash me, one of whome will no longer remain nameless, ERICA CROSS! This is also where I exact my revenge on said teammate, the one who "helped" me from the monkey bars is in the deep end. I run, jump at her and koala her ass while trying to dunk her. She bites me...that mother trucker bites me! In her defense, she was trying to gasp for air, but none the less...I was bitten.

We get out of the water, scale yet another hill 'o' tires and are once again off. From here to the finish line is a blur riddles with over/under obstacles, tires and balance beams over ice water. The next thing I remember is another pipe tunnel buried to climb over and slide down to the foot of a mud wall with ropes hanging over the side and attached to a cement barrier at the top. Upper arm strength again is not my forte, but I am able to use my feet to get to the top. YES! At this vantage you can see the finish. We are almost there! We just need to go down this water slide...wait water slide? Its forty degrees outside and this is made with a tarp. A tarp and a hose riddled with holes to provide a constant stream of water. There is a nice sudsy mud puddle at the bottom because the personnel at the top are periodically dumping an eco type soap down the tarp. Its now or never. I watch a couple of people go and notice there is some speed there. I get butterflies as I position my muddy butt at the top of the tarp and give myself a slight nudge. Holy hell, I am propelled forth at such a velocity my eyes begin squinting and watering. I swear I got air at some point, but all I know for sure is that I did not stop at the bottom but rather continued through to the end of the pebbly, soapy mud puddle. I just water skied on ma' cheeks. I am sure its not as graceful as it sounds and to add insult to injury I ended up with a wedgie that would rival the greatest of wedgies. I had what I have deemed henceforth, a Mega Ultra Frongie. This where the wedgie is so severe (from front to back...ahem) that you can taste your fabric softener.

I pull myself together, and cloth from crevices, and get 'ta gettin'. We are home free! We climb the last mud hill and hurdle three flaming bales of hay to the finish line where we are greeted with our finisher medals! WE DID IT! Hells to the yeyeah! Lets hear it for team No Excuses! Given the chance, I may consider doing this again. Its for a great cause supporting Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and a great way to challenge yourself and practice team building skills.

We Did It!

I went into this not knowing if I could do it and I finished. I was tired, dirty, sore and had mud in places that should not typically come in contact with any of the outside elements. But you know what I walked away with?

....T-shirt.